The Rewrite: Discomfort Becomes a Strange Bedfellow

There are some wild and crazy energies brewing around this solar eclipse coming up on April 8th, 2024.  The wildest and craziest of them all seem to be brewing right within me.  It's crazy.  Crazy.  Can I say crazy one more time?  Completely crazy.

Letting go of a life that once was, that was once dreamed of, seems to be a little bit like coming unhinged.  It feels so vulnerable and well, completely unknown.  And the crazy part, for me anyway, is that it is.  Unknown.  Completely.  Unknown.  That is super uncomfortable...for me.  Anyway, I know I need it.  I know I want it, that which is highest and best for all.  But something within me is so frightened of something else that I can't even fully define. 

The still scary, but exciting part of letting go is all the space it leaves.  Space for new ideas, new opportunities and new adventures.  Absolutely.  This I believe.  That's what keeps me going.  That is what allows me to lay down with the discomfort of change and healing and purging and facing the shadows of my family, my history and my life.  It is a hope that I can build something really beautiful in the space that all of the letting go leaves.  No more goats?  Fine.  That means I'm free to travel to all of the amazing natural places that I have on my short list of National Parks that I want to visit this year.

Letting go of relationships?  Well, fine.  It has been inevitable.  I have been avoiding this for years now.  How many people will hate me because I am choosing myself again over "what I am supposed to do"?  Not my problem.  I can't and don't control other people's feelings.  All I can do is learn to advocate for myself and my needs.  All I can do is exactly what I need to do...for me.  

Oh yes, I have been to this crossroads before in this life, and possibly, probably, many, many times in the lives and lifetimes before.  The heaviness of this leaving, this letting go feels deep, ancestral, very scary, very hard.  It feels like there is no coming back from this one.  But that's the whole point.  I don't want to come back.  I want to move forward.  I want to move up.  I want to be free, to be me.  

I just don't want those I care for to be hurt. I don't like hurting anyone.  Standing up for and doing what I believe is best for me is not an attack on anyone else.  It should not be hurtful to them.  If they feel hurt, that is NOT my choice.  It is theirs.  This has been the way of my life, people pleasing.  This is the root of my childhood wounds that have carried over into my adult life.  This is a very difficult realization for me.  This is a very hard pill to swallow.  

I know that I will still love them, but will they still be able to love me?  Do they really love me now?  Does it matter?  Why am I afraid of not being loved?  Why does it matter if anyone else loves me, as long as I can just learn to love myself?  But this fear of not being loved is part of what makes it so difficult to love myself.  Not loving myself makes it difficult for me to accept love from others.  It is an extremely vicious cycle.  It makes it difficult to trust myself.  This is where my change takes place.  Within myself.  I am changing.  I am healing.

So, it's time for a rewrite, and what better time to start fresh, to start anew, than with the opening and the closing of a MAJOR astrological phenomenon.  All the big guns do it, the governments, the "fascilitators", the powers that be.  They all do it and have been doing it for eons.  Well, now it's time for me to tap into those powerful energies too.  Not like I have not done it before, I absolutely have, just not so consciously.  Not intentionally.

911 was one of the biggest rituals and bloodbaths of these controlling powers that ever was in the history of this country.  At the time I was so shaken by it, and I thought it was so completely and entirely a message from the Universe directly to me, that I left my first husband and set out on a new path, complete with epiphanies and plant medicine journeys and energetic awakenings that would forever change my life.  And they did.  And they have.  

And now during this historical eclipse season, here I am at a similar crossroads...again.  And even though I feel like I know so much more about the world and these mystical, astrological phenomena, and even though I can better understand the discomfort and consciously embrace the shadow work that needs to be done, and even though I can embrace and better tend the wounds that need to be healed, I really believe a little bit of ignorance was blissful back then.  It made me a little bit bold.  It made me a little bit brave.  

This time around, KNOWING, makes it all that more LESS comfortable.  KNOWING, makes me understand what I am up against, the archaic mindsets and shallow intellects bred by religious zealotry and fear.  Deep.  Deep.  Deeply forged.  That is the oversimplification of the family I grew up in.  And as fate would have it, I am here with them now, which makes the energies of facing all of these realizations ever more intense and dare I say, threatening in a way.  Difficult, for sure.  Uncomfortable?  Absolutely.

But I am in the zone now, literally.  Here in Illinois, I am within the pathway of the Solar Eclipse that is making its way across the United States on April 8, this Monday.  I am eager and excited to be able to witness it, hopefully, if the clouds stay away.  And I am equally excited and open and ready to allow the transformative energies of the mystical phenomenon to flip my script.  I'm ready for new chapters, new characters, new stories to emerge.  

I am ready for my rewrite.  Yes, this post is just an incomplete scratching of the surface.  My story goes deep.  This is just a quick beginning of a very rough draft.  My story could take a very long time to write, like, the rest of my life.  But I do have faith that if I just keep writing a little bit every day, it's all going to come together.  Yes, it will have its ups and downs, my commas might be misplaced, my grammar may get shot out of the window at times.  But my characters will become stronger with every challenge that they face.  They will grow kinder and wiser with every obstacle they overcome.  They will become more stunning with every mountain that they climb.  

This story, my rewrite, it's going to be a good one.  Believe me. But you'll only know for sure if you decide to read along, and if you are really adventurous, maybe you'll even want to contribute a chapter or two yourself.  Maybe you will want to write along too, if not my story, then at least, you might decide to rewrite your own.  The energy is ripe for it.  Trust me.  I know.